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He is a disgruntled movie fanatic (spent his academic life watching third-grade movies at cheap theatres), a frustrated lover of literature and the Indian cricket team, and a romantic fool of the highest order. But do take him seriously, for he is a sarkari babu who has an unfathomable knowledge base about almost everything. And he loves rubbing people the wrong way.
Q. Punditjee, I am a fifteen year old boy. The other day, I was playing hide and seek with my friends when I hid myself in his dark closet. While in there, I saw naphthalene balls, and their smell gave me an instant hard-on. Am I growing up normally?
A: My dear boy, I must say that you are growing up as a sensible guy. A gutsy one too, for not everyone has the guts to ask questions in such a bold manner.
As for your question, I don’t know the hard physiological reasons for getting an instant hard-on from naphthalene smell. However, I do have some hard psychological guesses to analyse the hardness of your problem. Maybe you imagined the naphthalene balls to be over-grown breasts of a cockroach and instantly erotic thoughts came to your mind. After watching Disney-Pixar’s Ants series of films, I am more than convinced that the insect kingdom can also have Pamela |
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Andersons and Carmen Electras. Or maybe you mistook the naphthalene scent to be that of some strong variety of Axe deo-spray, and instantly those titillating commercials came to your mind. Or maybe you were struck by the idea (informed by your recollections of the last Hindi porn film you watched at your friend’s place) that when Indians make out in movies, they do so in a dark environment, with their eyes closed. So you don’t really have to see what you are doing when you are doing it. For that, you need to have a strong sense of smell.
If you think, my child, that your dilemma has anything to do with the reasons I analysed, then I think you have a strong career in advertising. At the very least your overactive imagination, will help you come up with better ad ideas. You should give it a hard thought!
Q. Punditjee, don’t you think Khajuraho temples should be destroyed as they are full of obscene images that are against our culture?
A: Arre khajur! What do you think will be left of our sexy cultural heritage if you destroy Khajuraho? Where will people go for practical lessons after reading the Kama Sutra? How will the Westerners know that Indian erotica has much higher standards than what they get to see in Indian porn movies? It is a sin to even think about destroying the Khajuraho temples.
Like Swami Dayanand Saraswati of the Arya Samaj who coined the famous slogan “back to the Vedas”, I would also like to give you a mantra—back to Khajuraho! After all, I personally want the young generation to go back to Khajuraho and realize that it is high time India bids farewell to sex icons like Shakeela akka, Sindhu and Kumtaz—all women with Dara Singh thighs and Sachin Tendulkar shoulders. We are much better performers in real life than what the reel life hints at.
My boy let the whole world know that we are the best! Khajuraho rocks! Let it stand in peace!
Q. Punditjee, my eight year old son keeps asking embarrassing questions whenever he sees intimate scenes on TV. No cajoling or scolding has helped. It becomes very embarrassing when there are guests around. Please help.
A: Bhai, the Age of Innocence vanished a long time back, when songs like choli ke peeche kya hain kicked out a generation of Adams and Eves from the Garden of Eden, into a big bad world of Mamta Kulkarnis and Mira Nairs. In those times, a bunch of flowers with bumble-bees hovering over, was used to explain such things. Today, the media has ruined things so much that a simple nursery rhyme sounds obscene when they say “Jack and Jill went up the hill…”
The best way to tackle your child’s questions is to sing a song every time he/she opens his/her mouth in public. Or tell him/her about the birds and the bees early on. After all, your child is not a TV channel whose mature content channel you can switch off when you have company.
Got a question? Send it to pungapundit@gmail.com
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